Parents often find themselves deeply invested in their children’s athletic endeavors, sometimes to an overwhelming degree. Sideline outbursts at youth games and intense focus on progress and elite program placements are common occurrences. Even well-meaning parents can get caught up in the pursuit of outcomes, driven by dreams of professional sports careers for their children. This can lead to excessive private coaching, school changes for better opportunities, and a family life revolving entirely around a single sport.
While the desire for children’s success is natural and rooted in good intentions, it’s crucial to understand the dynamics at play. Sometimes, parental involvement stems from vicarious living, but more often, it’s about supporting and providing the best opportunities. However, insights from former professional athletes offer a valuable perspective shift.
Lindsay Gallo, a former elite track athlete and Olympian Trials finalist, observed, “My sense is that (former elite athletes) are relatively more laid back about their young kids’ athletic endeavors.” This might seem counterintuitive. Shouldn’t athletes who reached the pinnacle of their sports be more driven to push their children, imparting hard-won lessons and advantages?
The reality is often the opposite. Elite athletes understand the immense difficulty and element of luck involved in reaching the top. They recognize the long, arduous journey and that genuine motivation must come from within. External pressure and cajoling are ineffective in the long run. Many former elite athletes emphasize minimizing pressure on their children, choosing to be supportive sideline observers rather than demanding coaches.
Drawing from extensive experience coaching high school and college athletes, and interacting with countless parents, certain key lessons emerge. Parenting is challenging, and this perspective, born from observing both athletes and parents, offers valuable guidance – a coach’s “parental bootcamp” if you will. These lessons are crucial for supporting children in any pursuit, athletic or academic. It’s about understanding the nuances of nurturing potential, recognizing when to push and, perhaps more importantly, when to step back and let the child lead. This approach is essential when considering the differential diagnosis of a talented athlete – understanding that true talent often needs space to bloom, and that a child’s passion, not parental pressure, is the most critical factor. Ultimately, a talented athlete does care about anything that fosters their genuine love for the sport, and parents play a vital role in nurturing this intrinsic motivation.
1. Intrinsic Motivation is Key: The Fire Must Come From Within
This may seem self-evident, but it bears repeating: genuine drive must originate from the child. Research consistently highlights intrinsic motivation as a cornerstone of success for prodigies and high-achieving adults. The challenge arises when external validation overshadows this internal drive. Children often begin activities out of pure enjoyment, but as they improve, external rewards like praise, trophies, and recognition can shift the focus.
To cultivate and sustain intrinsic motivation, allow children to explore diverse interests and discover where their passions and talents intersect. Encourage enjoyment and exploration, minimizing undue emphasis on external success. For a deeper understanding of this crucial topic, delve into The Passion Paradox, which explores the complexities of passion and performance.
2. Ensure Enjoyment Stems from the Child’s Passion, Not the Desire for Parental Approval
A common pitfall is children pursuing activities primarily to gain parental attention, love, and support. If a parent is passionate about a particular sport, a child might gravitate towards it seeking validation. It’s crucial to differentiate between a child’s genuine interest and their desire to please their parents.
Children crave love, support, and care. If they perceive that these are contingent on athletic achievement, they may pursue sports for the wrong reasons. While shared interests can strengthen parent-child bonds, maintaining a healthy balance is essential. Adopt the parenting mantra: “love your kid, not what they are doing.”
3. The Car Ride Home: A Critical Opportunity for Connection
The post-activity car ride is a pivotal moment. Resist the urge to critique, scold, or over-coach immediately after a game or practice. Your role as a parent is distinct from that of a coach. Constantly focusing on performance, regardless of wins or losses, can inadvertently turn a child’s passion into a source of anxiety.
The “peak-end rule” in psychology highlights how we remember experiences based on their emotional peak and their conclusion. In this context, the car ride home often becomes the “end” of the athletic experience in a child’s memory.
Be present to offer unconditional support, irrespective of the outcome. Refrain from coaching; leave that to the designated coaches. Your primary role is to be a supportive parent.
4. Teach the Art of Losing Gracefully: Failure as a Stepping Stone
Sports offer invaluable life lessons, and dealing with defeat is paramount. A tough loss evokes a range of negative emotions and tests competitiveness. The crucial message is not that losing is inherently bad, but rather that it’s an opportunity for growth and learning.
Failure is an inevitable part of life. Learning to process, learn from, and grow through setbacks is a vital skill. If a child struggles to cope with losses, it signals a need for perspective. (This applies to parents as well).
Cultivating the ability to “lose well” involves separating self-worth from athletic outcomes and developing diverse sources of meaning in life. This fosters resilience, enabling children to approach challenges without feeling threatened, facilitating clear-minded evaluation and growth. Optimal performance thrives in environments of challenge, not threat.
5. Trust in Natural Talent and Passion: It Will Surface
Over-emphasizing private coaching and early specialization is often unnecessary. If a child possesses the talent and drive to excel at a high level, they will naturally progress.
While it might seem unconventional to simply trust the process, excessive intervention can be counterproductive. Focusing on minor details and perceived advantages often overshadows the importance of intrinsic motivation and natural development. While supplemental support can be beneficial, be wary of individuals promising unrealistic outcomes like scholarships or professional careers. Be particularly cautious of those who suggest abandoning team environments for exclusive private coaching. A substantial industry thrives on parental aspirations, often overpromising results.
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that a coaching “guru” or recruiting service is the decisive factor. Genuine talent and motivation are the driving forces.
6. Unconditional Support: Independent of Results
This is a fundamental yet crucial reminder: support should be unwavering, irrespective of game outcomes or even participation. Win or lose, be present and supportive. It’s that simple.
7. Resist Over-Intervention: Foster Independence
Allow children to navigate challenges and develop problem-solving skills. Offer support, but resist the urge to constantly intervene. Avoid becoming the parent who immediately contacts coaches or teachers at every setback. Sports and academics provide safe environments to learn to navigate real-world challenges.
8. Avoid Going “All-In”: Maintain Perspective
While complete dedication might seem beneficial, excessive parental investment can inadvertently increase pressure and expectations on the child. Strive for supportive involvement, not obsessive control. Parental obsession can be detrimental. If a child chooses to be deeply passionate about their sport, it should be their personal decision. The parental role then shifts to providing perspective and ensuring healthy passion, preventing it from becoming obsessive and potentially harmful.
9. Relax and Step Back: Less Pressure, Better Performance
Coaches often share anecdotes of children underperforming simply due to a parent’s presence at games. Even well-intentioned parental support can inadvertently create pressure.
Research indicates that performance anxiety, or “choking,” is linked to performing in front of an audience and feeling judged. Concerns about self-presentation can trigger anxiety in athletes prone to choking. The presence of valued individuals, like parents, can activate this “threat mode,” where the fear of letting down loved ones hinders performance.
Studies on anxiety and performance reveal that performing in front of teammates or coaches, akin to performing for parents, triggers more anxiety and performance decline than punishment or financial stakes. This isn’t due to lack of parental love or support, but rather a natural human desire to perform well for those we care about. The preceding principles aim to mitigate this pressure.
Years of experience awarding athletic scholarships have underscored the importance of intrinsic motivation. Avoid chasing scholarships or professional dreams through your child. If a child is truly talented and driven, they will forge their path. Coaches readily discern when a child’s motivation is externally driven by parents.
An early career experience vividly illustrates this point: a parent spent an extensive office visit extolling their child’s talent and potential, while the child remained largely silent. A seasoned tennis coach aptly advised against recruiting such athletes, predicting negative outcomes for both child and coach due to parental over-involvement.
Let children be children. Offer support, but avoid hindering their development. Children already face immense pressures from social media and societal comparisons. Provide space for exploration, offer fundamental support, and then step back.
The reality is that the odds of a child becoming a champion are statistically low. Therefore, prioritize a positive experience, fostering life lessons in failure, competition, and teamwork. Avoid sacrificing joy in the pursuit of improbable elite status, as excessive pressure can be detrimental in the long run.
Emulate the approach of elite athletes like Lindsay Gallo: embrace a relaxed perspective on your child’s athletic future. It’s likely to be more beneficial.
Steve Magness is a renowned expert in performance, well-being, and sustainable success. He is the author of Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness, and co-author of Peak Performance and The Passion Paradox. He coaches elite athletes.
How to raise a champion – try to relax! was last modified: November 30th, 2022 by Steve Magness
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