For a significant portion of my life, the term “never-nude” resonated deeply. The idea of being seen unclothed, even by a partner, felt intensely uncomfortable. Unless it was for a medical necessity, like a check-up, or during intimacy, the prospect of nakedness was simply off-limits.
The origins of this aversion to nudity are somewhat hazy. Perhaps it traces back to a childhood skinny-dipping incident at my cousin’s pool. Lost in the fun, I neglected a bathroom break, leading to a rather unpleasant discovery floating in the water. My aunt’s horrified shriek, “EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WATER!! THERE’S A FLOATING TURD!!” might have inadvertently planted a seed of body consciousness.
Regardless of its beginnings, this discomfort persisted. Throughout high school, my dedication to sports meant I often skipped showering after gym class, much to the whispered amusement of my peers. I’d arrive at 7th period English drenched in sweat, a testament to my athletic efforts, but perhaps not my personal hygiene. Later, navigating the college basketball locker room while still closeted amplified my anxieties. The fear of my teammates misinterpreting my gaze was overwhelming, but even more profound was the desire to shield myself from unwanted scrutiny.
One particularly memorable episode in my “never-nude” saga occurred in my late twenties. Battling chronic and debilitating panic attacks, I sought help from a local healer. She confidently declared her ability to alleviate my distress. I found myself standing outdoors, completely naked, for over an hour as she and her assistant chanted, sang, and showered me with herbs. Just as I reached peak awkwardness, her assistant leaned in and whispered, “By the way— I really love your poetry.” The healing ceremony, to put it mildly, was not the cure I was seeking.
However, everything shifted when I received a cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, my lifelong fear of being naked seemed insignificant, almost absurd. In fact, the diagnosis acted as a catalyst, dissolving not only my body image anxieties but also numerous other fears that had long held my nervous system captive. In this vulnerable interview with Style Like U, I shed not just my clothes but also layers of emotional armor, sharing how my experience with illness has been unexpectedly and profoundly healing.
Thank you for watching and listening.
With love,
Andrea (In the Buff) 🖤
