Dive into the bizarre world of 90s television as we dissect a truly unique episode of “Diagnosis Murder” that ventures into the supernatural. While “Diagnosis Murder” is known for its light-hearted approach to crime solving with Dr. Mark Sloan, this particular episode, sometimes referred to by fans as “Diagnosis For Murder” due to its deadly premise, takes a sharp turn into the realm of vampires. Forget subtle medical mysteries; this is where medical expertise clashes head-on with fangs, coffins, and centuries-old secrets.
The episode opens with classic horror tropes – a misty night, a panicked woman, and a shadowy pursuer. Moriah Thomas, played by Julie Carmen, is clearly in distress as she’s chased through a park. Her attacker, attempting to access a mysterious box, becomes clumsy, falls, and becomes Moriah’s prey. The scene cuts away to a moonlit sky as his screams echo – a classic, slightly cheesy, horror setup. We’re quickly introduced to the familiar faces of the Sloan family. Detective Steve Sloan (Barry Van Dyke) brings his physician father, Dr. Mark Sloan (Dick Van Dyke), into the investigation of a body discovered by the police. The victim shows signs of blunt force trauma, but strangely, there’s no blood at the scene, and the body appears drained. An empty box with a peculiar indentation is also found nearby, immediately signaling that this is no ordinary case for “Diagnosis Murder”.
Meanwhile, Dr. Jack Stewart (Scott Baio), affectionately nicknamed “Chachi” by some viewers, is in the spotlight as a “Bachelor of the Year” nominee, a publicity stunt orchestrated by the hospital. His bachelor duties lead him to the mansion of Ivan Brock (William Coverse-Roberts). Brock’s unusual accent immediately stands out, adding to the overall quirky tone of the episode. Moriah, revealed as a magazine editor, is present at Brock’s house and seems to be developing a rapport with Jack. However, another bachelor contestant, singer Vic Danton (Andrew Williams), interrupts, vying for Moriah’s attention and receiving an invitation to her private quarters.
The next day, Steve is faced with another identical murder – Vic Danton is now a bloodless corpse. Dr. Sloan, examining the bodies, notices small puncture wounds near the jugular veins, cleverly concealed by the blunt force trauma. His medical diagnosis starts to lean towards something far more unusual than typical homicide. Intrigued, Mark and Steve decide to investigate Brock’s residence. They employ a bit of bluff and bravado to gain entry, finding Moriah seemingly asleep. Dr. Sloan’s attention is drawn to a blank space on the wall where a painting once hung. Their investigation leads them to a locked storeroom. Brock feigns ignorance about the key, but Steve, the resourceful detective, picks the lock. Inside, they discover a coffin – dismissed by Brock as a mere Halloween decoration. In a staged incident, Brock collapses, diverting attention from the coffin and the room’s true contents.
Dr. Sloan’s medical intuition, combined with his keen observation, begins to piece together the puzzle. He recalls seeing a mirror in place of the painting in magazine photos taken at Brock’s house. His colleague, Amanda (Victoria Rowell), initially dismisses his increasingly outlandish theory – could it be a vampire? Skeptical yet intrigued, Mark attends another bachelor party and, showing Moriah a picture of the first victim, engages her in conversation. He subtly introduces the topic of vampires, which Moriah dismisses with laughter. However, the next day brings another death – bachelor Terry Broadhurst (Tim Dunigan) is found lifeless. The plot thickens as it’s revealed that Brock held Broadhurst’s contract and is the beneficiary of a substantial $20 million life insurance policy. Steve focuses his investigation on Brock, but Dr. Sloan remains unconvinced, sensing a different kind of culprit.
Dr. Sloan returns to Brock’s mansion for a solo investigation. The coffin has vanished from the storeroom, only to reappear in Moriah’s bedroom. It’s empty. Concerned for Jack’s safety as he’s scheduled for a date with Moriah, Mark races to the house. He arrives just as Jack heads upstairs to Moriah’s bedroom and confronts her. Here, the episode unveils its supernatural twist. Moriah reveals she is centuries old, claiming her passport expired in 1938. Her motive becomes clear: she’s been eliminating the bachelors to provide Brock with alibis and cover up the murder of Terry Broadhurst, all to obtain a new passport from him.
Moriah boasts of her vampire nature, demonstrating superhuman strength by throwing Dr. Sloan across the room – twice. The scene enters full-blown camp territory as Moriah seemingly floats towards him. Just as Moriah is about to attack Jack, who enters the room, Jack inadvertently stakes her with a piece of furniture in self-defense. In a dramatic, albeit stomach-staking (not heart-staking, notably), climax, Moriah meets her end.
In her dying breath, Moriah confesses to the murders, exonerating Brock of the bachelor killings but confirming his involvement in Broadhurst’s death. The episode concludes with a questionable legal scenario where the confession of a “vampire” to her killers is deemed credible enough to convict Brock, despite the overall absurdity of the situation. The lab even reconstructs the stake from the initial box, but it’s treated as a joke, highlighting the episode’s descent into the ridiculous.
Despite its narrative flaws and over-the-top premise, this “Diagnosis Murder” vampire episode, or “Diagnosis for Murder” as it could be nicknamed, offers a uniquely kitschy viewing experience. It earns a generous 2 out of 10, primarily for its sheer audacity and the surprisingly fitting episode title, capturing the bizarre blend of medical drama and supernatural murder.
For more details on this episode, visit the IMDB page.
